


Wife Swap: Cullens vs Zunigas

by nichorello_spanishharlem_alex_red



Category: Orange is the New Black, Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25513870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nichorello_spanishharlem_alex_red/pseuds/nichorello_spanishharlem_alex_red
Summary: Another Twilight wife swap story, this time, it's Rosalie & Emmett's turn! They're paired with my fave Orange is the New Black couple, Blanca & Diablo. These 2 pairings are so similar, despite the 1 huge difference between them. Blanca's prankster friends send her back to New York where Emmett is. Rosalie goes to Honduras where Diablo is. She has no problem with the gang members...
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Blanca Flores & Dario "Diablo" Zuniga, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale





	Wife Swap: Cullens vs Zunigas

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for beta'ing, MsSchneeheide! English translations are in parentheses.

Wife Swap: Zunigas vs Cullens, a twilight fanfic | FanFiction  
Thank you for beta'ing, MsSchneehiede! So, the couple Rosalie and Emmett would be paired up with, is the one in my profile picture on this site :)

It's a great day in Rosalie Hale-Cullen's unending life until she opens something addressed to her and Emmett. She glares at it in stunned silence. A hiss slips through her clenched teeth as she pulls at her golden locks.

Dear Cullen Family,

Congratulations on winning a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be on the reality television show, Wife Swap! Thank you so much for your application and video. You will be matched with a family from Honduras, the Zunigas-

She stops reading it. "Emmett Dale McCarty-Cullen!" Rosalie yells, running into their room and waving the letter in his face. "Are you crazy?! Whyyyy? The fuck, man! Look, I love you, but you can be really stupid."

He frowns and takes it from her. "What? Babe...I know I got my faults, but it wasn't me this time. I swear..." His eyes widen and he runs a hand through his dark curly hair. "Jesus...Katrinka Vera Cullen!" he shouts. "Get up here now! What did you do?"

A few months after the confrontation with the Volturi, Rosalie and Emmett had decided to foster a hybrid child who was made by a rogue succubus and an unassuming human male. She'd been left in the street when she was found. She had the appearance of a fifteen-year-old when they and the rest of the Cullens trained her in having a vegetarian diet and controlling her thirst for blood that came from people, but she also loves food that's consumed by humans. They'd signed the adoption papers last week after two months of caring for her. They gave her a middle name, Vera, and always call her that in honor of Rosalie's human best friend from nineteen-thirty-three.

Their adopted daughter zips in, looking a bit nervous as she twists her bluish-purple braids around her fingers. "Uh, nothin', Dad, why you flippin' out?"

Rosalie points out the note. "Did you seriously sign us up for Wife Swap?"

"No!" She appears to be sheepish. "Grandma and Grandpa said you do it to 'em all the time and you'd think it was funny. So, they helped...and so did Auntie Alice and Nessie and-you know, we got all the time in the world! I was bored, sue me."

Emmett shakes his head, looking slightly amused, but more pissed. It's hard for them to be mad at their little girl, and she's what they've always wanted. "Alright, come on, sweetie, we're seeing them!"

"Now, honey, that was a foolish thing to do," Rosalie scolds Vera in a light tone.

"It's not like we're gonna tell the new wife that we're vampires!" Vera protests.

The little family zooms over to the rest of their coven a few houses away. Emmett raises his hand to knock on the door, but Alice opens it with a smirk before his knuckles hit the wood. She envelops Vera into a hug. Upon seeing them, Carlisle and Esme burst out laughing and high-five each other. Jasper, Edward, Bella, Jacob, and Nessie explode into cheers and applause. Rosalie scoffs and rolls her eyes. She can't believe they were really all in on it, and they're acting so smug about it, too.

"Hey, at least you get to go to Honduras, don't you love traveling the world?" Alice lets out a tinkling giggle.

Rosalie growls.

Carlisle claps Emmett on the back. "It's payback time, son..."

Emmett folds his burly arms over his chest and raises an eyebrow. "Didn't you tell me once that getting even is for children?"

"Shut up, Emmett, you are a child," Jasper mutters and his brother flips him off.

"Esme, you of all people, really?! Why did you let this happen? I'm affected by it as well as Emmett," Rosalie complains. "You shouldn't punish me because of his dumb pranks."

"You always stood by his side, as expected, and joined in on every plan he had to put Carlisle and I on Wife Swap," Esme insists, patting her cheek. "So, my dear Rose, it's your turn now."

"Ugh..."

"This is gonna be hilarious," Nessie points out and she and Vera both snicker to themselves.

"At last, we won't get to hear 'em having sex or breaking their seventh house," Edward whispers to Bella.

"I mean, do they really have to get married again?" Bella asks rhetorically. It makes all the adults in the room cackle hysterically, but Emmett and Rosalie shoot them dirty looks.

"I'll miss the snide dog comments," Jacob says sarcastically. "You two bloodsuckers are the worst with those."

For some reason, Alice sniggers while doing a perfect plié. Edward joins in on the chuckling. "What?" Rosalie and Emmett demand in unison.

"I'm so not telling you, sis." She leaps and pirouettes her way out of the living room and Jasper follows her.

When they get back home after leaving Vera to chill with Nessie, Rosalie strides up to Emmett and hugs him around his waist. "I'll just miss you way too much. Don't let that other wife seduce you! I know you won't give into her, but humans cheat, so lemme know if I need to put her in her place. I'll do it over the phone if I have to."

Emmett kisses her and it's breathtaking, even if she's not human. "I'm gonna miss you like hell, too, baby. We're soulmates, our bonds are too strong to be tempted by others...but if that guy faints at your ethereal beauty, I'm gonna laugh, 'cause it'll remind me of when you dazzled me and I thought you were an angel when I first saw you."

"I am a motherfucking angel."

"Damn right you are!"

"The sight of you will probably make her collapse to her knees," Rosalie points out. "So try not to turn on the charm too much, and I won't either."

"That's a deal!" They shake hands and their mixed laughter sounds like chiming bells and the booming beat of a drum.

*************************************************************************

Meanwhile, Blanca Zuniga is on the phone with Flaca Gonzales, who's still at Litchfield Maximum Security. She's clutching the letter from Wife Swap in her hand. "¿Por qué?" she groans, rubbing her forehead in annoyance. "Ay dios mío, tonta..."

"What?" Flaca asks on the other end. "Yo, things are straight up boring 'round here, we're stuck in prison! Nicky and I are hella close friends, don't just blame me, she came up with the idea, too!"

"Oh, I thought so! You know that I literally just moved in with Diablo and he built us a nice house? Do you seriously think I want to switch lives with some random lady in-" She reads the letter again. "Harlem, Nueva York, ¿Estados Unidos of good ol' America? The Cullens, rhymes with sullen...your favorite type of music!"

(New York, United States)

"Cállate. Hey, at least you can visit me in person," Flaca states positively. "Maybe you'll see Gloria around, too..."

(Shut up.)

Blanca softens a bit; she beams at the possiblity of seeing her old friends. "Is this your way of saying you miss me?"

"Sí, it's like you gave up your whole life here for a dude. You're no longer a Flores. Some would say it's romantic, but others-"

"¡No me importa lo que otros digan! Diablo is stuck here because he got deported, but I can go wherever I please. I choose to live with my man, and our wedding was very nice, ¡muchas gracias! No tienes un novio, no entiendes."

(I don't care what others would say! Thank you very much! You don't have a boyfriend, you don't understand.)

"Blanca, it's only dos semanas. You'll survive. What does Diablo think about all this?"

(two weeks)

"He's hella annoyed that we'll be separated por esas dos semanas. ¡Y tu sabes tenemos un bebé! Finally..."

(for those two weeks. And you know we have a baby!)

"Just try to enjoy this opportunity," Flaca recommends. "I gotta go, chica, my phone time's runnin' out. Hablo contigo más tarde. ¡Hasta luego!"

(I'll talk to you later. Bye!)

"Adiós." Blanca hangs up the phone with an irritated sigh. She turns to look at Diablo holding their newborn baby boy, Dario Junior. "It was Flaca...and Nicky. Las bromistas habituales."

(The usual pranksters)

"¿Tus amigas en la cárcel?"

(Your friends in prison?)

Blanca nods in confirmation. "Baby...lo siento. I'm leaving you with our infant."

Diablo shrugs. "No es nada. Es una nueva aventura para nosotros." He takes her into his arms with the infant in between them and kisses her cheek and then her lips. "I'll miss you so much, but it'll be okay." Diablo strokes her dark curls comfortingly and cups her chin. He runs his thumb up and down her jawline. Blanca feels herself starting to smile at his touch.

(It's nothing. It's a new adventure for us.)

"¡Yo también te extrañaré! No quiero ir, pero I have to. I'll look on the bright side, I might run into Gloria y visitar las chicas porque I'm goin' to Nueva York! Harlem, to be exact."

(I'll miss you too! I don't want to go, but...and visit the girls because)

"All right!" Diablo beams at her cheerfully, but his eyes are sad. She holds onto her family, not wanting to let them go. Three years without Diablo were torture; this is only two weeks, so she tries to think of it that way. "I'll call you, just to check up on you y escuchar tu voz, lo prometo."

(and hear your voice, I promise.)

"I will, too," Blanca murmurs. She kisses both his cheek and their little Dario Jr's. "Dámelo a mí." She holds her hands out for their tiny son and Diablo places the sleeping little guy into her waiting arms. She cuddles him to her chest and walks over to the couch, one hand on baby Dario's butt and the other cradling his head to protect it from lolling over. Mojito is in his usual spot on the sofa, but he moves over to make room for her. "Gracias, perrito," she tells her puppy. She looks down at Dario and blesses her lucky stars that she was able to have him with her true love.

(Give him to me.)


End file.
